Toto the Robot – Season’s Beatings Round Up

Toto the Robot

The audience stood agog, unable to process exactly what they were seeing. A fully operations humanoid chess robot called Toto dancing to “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls. Not since Deep Blue has the planet seen an AI chew through it’s opponent on the chessboard with such unyielding objectivity. The artificial Irishman’s mechanical brain whirring through 1.2 million calculations per second managed to leaver open Otto “Bismark” Viherä’s king side defence. Unlike his namesake, Otto was going into the first boxing round with his defensive strategy in tatters, at least on the board.

Bismarck, the archetypal human being, a complex carbon life form, dignified and rippling with muscle – removed his shirt. Underneath Toto’s exoskeleton a myriad of wiry fibers bushed from his torso whilst he limbered up for his first ever boxing round. A seismic clash of man and machine, the likes of which never seen before, exploded in a squall of swinging limbs, ligatures and levers. Neither fighter defending, neither giving the other a moment’s pause, a Turinical nightmare from the pages of a sci-fi novel. However, Toto proved far less obdurate between the ropes. To calls of “Blood and Iron”, it took Bismarck no less than 14 seconds to level the machine learning leviathan – winning by knock out. Watch the full fight here.

Boxing robot Chappie, who starred in the 2015 eponymous movie alongside Norwich City fan Hugh Jackman, watched the show at home on Twitch with this pals StockFish and Alpha Zero:

“In the 90’s my artificial brain was only as intelligent as a premier league footballer. I was just about able to promise to give 110% for the gaffer, start fights outside nightclubs and listen to Mark Morrison on my Sony Walkman. Nowadays, I’m almost as intelligent as your average human. I’m much more self-aware than, say, Wayne Rooney, but I still dress like a bit of a plonker. Looks like we’ve got some way still to go before we can become your AI overlords.”

Don’t worry folks, Toto is O.K. and rebooted ready for his next outing on the 14th March 2020 – VIVA LA MACHINA!
Karl OUCH vs Toby White

The rapid destruction of Toby Whites position in the first round of chess set this bout up fo a fiery second round. White attacked the first boxing round with vigour and landing several devastating combination on Ouch’s face. The audience, commentators and White himself were left stunned by what they thought was a blunder to lose his queen in the final round of chess by the Ounch. See how the fight unfolded; watch and follow on Twitch here!
Sakari “Horse Attack” Lähderinne vs Nikita “Razor” Evstafiev

Evastafiev took charge of the chess board early on whilst capturing Lähderinne’s horses (knights) in the first few move – removing the threat of a horse attack. A very even and high quality technical boxing performance from both fighters meant that Lähderinne wasn’t able to make his moderate weight advantage pay. Evtafiev’s insurmountable position on the board hailed a trip to the glue factory for the cloven combatant. Watch the full fight here.

Matt “Crazy Arms” Read vs Shayan “The Kingstonian” Zarein Dolab

Read gave up smoking Tuesday before the event and it clearly paid dividends. See his arms flailing crazier than ever on our twitch channel here.

Jon “The Brick” Wood vs Marc “The Essex Bomb” Sidwell

If you’re a fan of this angry man in fake tan – you’re in for a real treat. The Essex Bomb going down to the wire with Jon “The Brick” Wood.

Listen and subscribe to get all the latest reaction from the event on The Chessboxing Podcast!